Arguing With Your Partner, Long Distance Relationships & More // Letters To Lucie: Ep. 4

Arguing With Your Partner, Long Distance Relationships & More // Letters To Lucie: Ep. 4 Dating

HEYYYO! Trying to get on the bed gracefully… Hey everyone! Welcome back to my YouTube channel!

If you’re new here, click on the little box in the corner and subscribe, and give this post a thumbs up if you’re excited for the relationships episode of Letters to Lucie. This is my YouTube show where I read your letters out loud, and verbally respond to them however I see fit. And when I say “however”, I do mean “thoughtfully”. So, I’ve compiled letters that had really similar themes all about long-distance boyfriends, girlfriends, moving in together… so much good stuff is coming up in this episode. And if you have any questions and want to be featured on a future episode of Letters to Lucie, shoot them over in an email to [email protected], and remember to let me know if you want to remain anonymous.

I’ll never read your name or your location out loud without express permission from you in that email. Great. So, I really did want to do this episode with Michael here… I thought it would be so cute if he was sitting right next to me and we were giving relationship advice together…

Unfortunately, he’s not home. In the meantime, let’s just dive into some letters, because people are seeking advice left and right and I have so many emails in my inbox! So let’s go! Letter number one: “Hi Lucie, my name is Steph I’m from __.

Please keep me anonymous except for my name. I’m 24 and I’ve been in a relationship for about eight years now. High school sweethearts.” Woo!

Me too! “I love him, no doubt about that, but lately we’ve been fighting so much from hardly ever… it’s affecting the way we resolve things and sometimes it feels like we just push it aside and don’t really talk about it and it never gets resolved. I’ve been having uncomfortable feelings like “this isn’t working anymore”… When did you know it was forever with Michael? Now I understand everyone is different, but I would love to know how you handle arguments and what you do to calm each other down if it gets too heated. How do you know if it’s just tiredness of work or if it’s personal?

Love watching your posts, and your positive and honest look on life… a true inspiration. Love always, Steph.” Hey Steph, alright, thank you so much for writing this letter… Congrats on your eight-year relationship! You know, I think we probably started dating around the same time… maybe you started even a little sooner than I did! I do want to talk about fighting in relationships with you, and I just want to let you know first and foremost that having little bickers or arguments here and there…

Is “bickers” a noun? I know you can say “we were bickering”, but can you say “we had a bicker”? I don’t think so. Cut! Having little arguments now it again is totally normal.

You know, it’s kind of abnormal I would say, if you never fight with the person that you’re together with… especially after eight years. When you’re in such close proximity to someone, you’re bound to have some disagreements. What I really want to touch on is your uncomfortable feeling that this “isn’t working anymore”.

I’m the type of person who, the moment that something implants in my head that it’s not working… I seem to be unable to get that out of my head. So I’m not telling you that you need to break up, I just do think that if you’re having an uncomfortable feeling you should re-evaluate and really think about if it’s working or if it’s not working. I think you’re in a very unique situation in that you’ve been dating eight years…

I can tell you firsthand, once you start dating someone for these long chunks of time it gets harder and harder for that relationship to end. Not only are you getting closer with the person, and your lives are being totally intertwined, but now your families are friends… you probably are really good friends with this person’s family… there’s a lot of factors to take into account when it comes to now ending this relationship… whereas a three-month long relationship you could just sort of be like: “Bye, Felicia!” BUT, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it if it’s the right thing to do. So I really think you need to take a moment, look at this relationship on the whole scale, and think: “Am I staying with this person because I love this person and I can’t imagine my life without them? Or am I staying with this person because it’s comfortable and I know their mom and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings?” If you really don’t know if this is the right person, or if you think you’re fighting too much and you think it’s not working out… the fact that you’ve been dating eight years shouldn’t be taken into consideration here. You need to do what’s best for you.

You asked me when did I know that it was forever with Michael, and I don’t think that there was a specific date and time… but when I graduated and I moved into Manhattan… and we actually lived separate. So I lived with my sister and a friend, and he lived with a different friend… and, you know, we’re not in high school anymore. We’re no longer in college. We’re now adults living in the same city on our own, away from our parents… that was probably the moment when I thought “I think this is forever.” How do I handle arguments, and what do I do to calm each other down if it gets too heated? Arguments are totally normal, but I think what you need to ask yourself is “Are these arguments productive?” Any single time that Michael and I have butted heads or had a disagreement about something, more often than not I walk out of those arguments feeling like our relationship has gotten stronger.

And I think it’s just about having a steady, solid communication style where you don’t need to raise your voice, or yell, or do any physical actions to show how you feel… but you can just say it and communicate effectively. Steph, I really hope this was helpful. I’m not telling you what to do with your relationship. I think you and your significant other should sit down and really talk about this, and really make sure that you’re moving in a positive direction together.

Next letter: “Hey Lucie, my name is Kaitlin, and I’m a lawyer living in Pennsylvania, near Philly. Feel free to use my name and city if my question is included in a post. Thank you for starting this new series on your channel. It’s really fun to hear your perspective on a variety of topics that many of us go through.

On to my question: This summer, I’m finally moving in with my partner after being long distance for four years. We’ve known each other for a long time and are very happy in our relationship, but I know moving in together is going to be a big change… especially after being apart for so long. Do you have any lessons learned or advice from when you and Michael moved in together? Thanks!” Woooo!

Kaitlin! This is such an exciting time for you! I remember how cool it was when Michael and I were finally moving in together after five years of long-distance and then another two years of living in the city separately… so, congratulations! You made it!

Living with your partner can be so gratifying, and so much fun, and also so convenient… Especially when you’ve been spending nights at one another’s homes without actually living together, and you realize how completely inconvenient that is when you don’t have a toothbrush, you don’t have contact solution, and your clothes are not there. But of course moving in together does present new… I’m not going to call them problems… uh, hurdles… to jump over.

A good thing to do is sit down with that partner ahead of time and just discuss your living style. How clean are you? Do you fold your clothes when you come home, or just throw them in the closet? How many times a week do you want to take the trash out?

How much rent do you want to pay? There are so many factors to take into consideration here, and I think it’s really important to touch on all of these things before you actually move into a space. With Michael, one thing that I knew about him but didn’t know too much before we moved in… was how clean this guy is. I come home and I throw my backpack, and my jacket, and books, and everything that I was just carrying onto the kitchen table…

Michael on the other hand walks in and sees that and is like “Can you please put your jacket in the closet? Can you keep your books in your bag? Can you take the backpack off the chair?” So, because we didn’t talk about that previously, it’s been something that has come up numerous times in the past three years… and of course something I’ve started doing now is whenever I’m home alone and Michael’s not here, if I see the table is cluttered I go through it and clear it out so that by the time he comes home, he’s happy. So it’s all about compromise.

But just know that once you actually live together, new situations will arise that you will not have been able to predict. So just be prepared to tackle things as they come. On to the next Letter: “Hey Lucie, my name is ___. I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and before we were dating we were friends since middle school… so we go way back.

I truly believe he’s the love of my life and we get our first house together tomorrow! Or I guess while you’re reading this, it’ll be today… Lately he’s been saying after we move in, I should start a diet and join a gym… I’ve been ignoring it because I feel comfortable in my weight.

I’m athletic. I play rugby, so I have very muscular thighs which is where most of my weight is, and I have pretty wide hips and shoulders, so I’ll always be broad. Right now I am 180 pounds and five foot five.

HEYYYO! Trying to get on the bed gracefully… Hey everyone! Welcome back to my YouTube channel!

If you’re new here, click on the little box in the corner and subscribe, and give this post a thumbs up if you’re excited for the relationships episode of Letters to Lucie. This is my YouTube show where I read your letters out loud, and verbally respond to them however I see fit. And when I say “however”, I do mean “thoughtfully”. So, I’ve compiled letters that had really similar themes all about long-distance boyfriends, girlfriends, moving in together… so much good stuff is coming up in this episode. And if you have any questions and want to be featured on a future episode of Letters to Lucie, shoot them over in an email to [email protected], and remember to let me know if you want to remain anonymous.

I’ll never read your name or your location out loud without express permission from you in that email. Great. So, I really did want to do this episode with Michael here… I thought it would be so cute if he was sitting right next to me and we were giving relationship advice together…

Unfortunately, he’s not home. In the meantime, let’s just dive into some letters, because people are seeking advice left and right and I have so many emails in my inbox! So let’s go! Letter number one: “Hi Lucie, my name is Steph I’m from __.

Please keep me anonymous except for my name. I’m 24 and I’ve been in a relationship for about eight years now. High school sweethearts.” Woo!

Me too! “I love him, no doubt about that, but lately we’ve been fighting so much from hardly ever… it’s affecting the way we resolve things and sometimes it feels like we just push it aside and don’t really talk about it and it never gets resolved. I’ve been having uncomfortable feelings like “this isn’t working anymore”… When did you know it was forever with Michael? Now I understand everyone is different, but I would love to know how you handle arguments and what you do to calm each other down if it gets too heated. How do you know if it’s just tiredness of work or if it’s personal?

Love watching your posts, and your positive and honest look on life… a true inspiration. Love always, Steph.” Hey Steph, alright, thank you so much for writing this letter… Congrats on your eight-year relationship! You know, I think we probably started dating around the same time… maybe you started even a little sooner than I did! I do want to talk about fighting in relationships with you, and I just want to let you know first and foremost that having little bickers or arguments here and there…

Arguing With Your Partner, Long Distance Relationships & More // Letters To Lucie: Ep. 4 Dating

Is “bickers” a noun? I know you can say “we were bickering”, but can you say “we had a bicker”? I don’t think so. Cut! Having little arguments now it again is totally normal.

You know, it’s kind of abnormal I would say, if you never fight with the person that you’re together with… especially after eight years. When you’re in such close proximity to someone, you’re bound to have some disagreements. What I really want to touch on is your uncomfortable feeling that this “isn’t working anymore”.

I’m the type of person who, the moment that something implants in my head that it’s not working… I seem to be unable to get that out of my head. So I’m not telling you that you need to break up, I just do think that if you’re having an uncomfortable feeling you should re-evaluate and really think about if it’s working or if it’s not working. I think you’re in a very unique situation in that you’ve been dating eight years…

I can tell you firsthand, once you start dating someone for these long chunks of time it gets harder and harder for that relationship to end. Not only are you getting closer with the person, and your lives are being totally intertwined, but now your families are friends… you probably are really good friends with this person’s family… there’s a lot of factors to take into account when it comes to now ending this relationship… whereas a three-month long relationship you could just sort of be like: “Bye, Felicia!” BUT, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it if it’s the right thing to do. So I really think you need to take a moment, look at this relationship on the whole scale, and think: “Am I staying with this person because I love this person and I can’t imagine my life without them? Or am I staying with this person because it’s comfortable and I know their mom and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings?” If you really don’t know if this is the right person, or if you think you’re fighting too much and you think it’s not working out… the fact that you’ve been dating eight years shouldn’t be taken into consideration here. You need to do what’s best for you.

You asked me when did I know that it was forever with Michael, and I don’t think that there was a specific date and time… but when I graduated and I moved into Manhattan… and we actually lived separate. So I lived with my sister and a friend, and he lived with a different friend… and, you know, we’re not in high school anymore. We’re no longer in college. We’re now adults living in the same city on our own, away from our parents… that was probably the moment when I thought “I think this is forever.” How do I handle arguments, and what do I do to calm each other down if it gets too heated? Arguments are totally normal, but I think what you need to ask yourself is “Are these arguments productive?” Any single time that Michael and I have butted heads or had a disagreement about something, more often than not I walk out of those arguments feeling like our relationship has gotten stronger.

And I think it’s just about having a steady, solid communication style where you don’t need to raise your voice, or yell, or do any physical actions to show how you feel… but you can just say it and communicate effectively. Steph, I really hope this was helpful. I’m not telling you what to do with your relationship. I think you and your significant other should sit down and really talk about this, and really make sure that you’re moving in a positive direction together.

Next letter: “Hey Lucie, my name is Kaitlin, and I’m a lawyer living in Pennsylvania, near Philly. Feel free to use my name and city if my question is included in a post. Thank you for starting this new series on your channel. It’s really fun to hear your perspective on a variety of topics that many of us go through.

On to my question: This summer, I’m finally moving in with my partner after being long distance for four years. We’ve known each other for a long time and are very happy in our relationship, but I know moving in together is going to be a big change… especially after being apart for so long. Do you have any lessons learned or advice from when you and Michael moved in together? Thanks!” Woooo!

Kaitlin! This is such an exciting time for you! I remember how cool it was when Michael and I were finally moving in together after five years of long-distance and then another two years of living in the city separately… so, congratulations! You made it!

Living with your partner can be so gratifying, and so much fun, and also so convenient… Especially when you’ve been spending nights at one another’s homes without actually living together, and you realize how completely inconvenient that is when you don’t have a toothbrush, you don’t have contact solution, and your clothes are not there. But of course moving in together does present new… I’m not going to call them problems… uh, hurdles… to jump over.

A good thing to do is sit down with that partner ahead of time and just discuss your living style. How clean are you? Do you fold your clothes when you come home, or just throw them in the closet? How many times a week do you want to take the trash out?

How much rent do you want to pay? There are so many factors to take into consideration here, and I think it’s really important to touch on all of these things before you actually move into a space. With Michael, one thing that I knew about him but didn’t know too much before we moved in… was how clean this guy is. I come home and I throw my backpack, and my jacket, and books, and everything that I was just carrying onto the kitchen table…

Michael on the other hand walks in and sees that and is like “Can you please put your jacket in the closet? Can you keep your books in your bag? Can you take the backpack off the chair?” So, because we didn’t talk about that previously, it’s been something that has come up numerous times in the past three years… and of course something I’ve started doing now is whenever I’m home alone and Michael’s not here, if I see the table is cluttered I go through it and clear it out so that by the time he comes home, he’s happy. So it’s all about compromise.

But just know that once you actually live together, new situations will arise that you will not have been able to predict. So just be prepared to tackle things as they come. On to the next Letter: “Hey Lucie, my name is ___. I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and before we were dating we were friends since middle school… so we go way back.

I truly believe he’s the love of my life and we get our first house together tomorrow! Or I guess while you’re reading this, it’ll be today… Lately he’s been saying after we move in, I should start a diet and join a gym… I’ve been ignoring it because I feel comfortable in my weight.

I’m athletic. I play rugby, so I have very muscular thighs which is where most of my weight is, and I have pretty wide hips and shoulders, so I’ll always be broad. Right now I am 180 pounds and five foot five.

The other day he told me I should start working out and I finally asked him why and if he thought I was fat, and he responded with “Yes, you need to lose weight. You weigh more than my mom.” (double rude.) After that I’ve just been feeling really down. I’m no longer excited to move on to this next chapter with him. I don’t know what to do. I love him but I don’t want to lose any weight, and I don’t want to be with someone who thinks I’m fat and isn’t physically attracted to me.

I need outside advice that isn’t my sister or my mom. P.S. I’m also a twin. Fraternal.

Sincerely, and thanks in advance!” Well, I apologize in advance if my answer is a little bit harsh, but I am just going by what you’ve said here… so I of course don’t know any of the good stuff in your relationship.. but based on what I see here, this is a major red flag. Your boyfriend, who’s supposed to be the person who loves you the most in the world, and cares for you, and will do anything for you, and should probably get upset if people say mean things to you… is calling you fat and saying that you are heavier than his mom. I don’t even have the words. I mean… this sounds absolutely horrible to me.

It sounds to me like you’ve been dating for a really long time and, kind of like what I said with a previous letter, you’re a little bit afraid of ending things because you guys are so ingrained in one another’s lives. You’ve known him since middle school. When I was in Japan and I met with a monk he talked to me about this really interesting idea that we as human beings automatically assign a thought or a feeling to someone in our lives, and either that thought is overwhelmingly positive and we love them, or it’s immediately negative and we hate them.

And then what happens is that everything that happens after we make those initial judgments helps affirm our initial thought. For instance if you love somebody and then they start doing bad things, you automatically justify it for them. And you automatically say “Well, he’s just having a bad day…” or “He must be in a bad mood…” and I think the situation right now with your boyfriend is that you’ve put him into this bucket where you love him, and you care for him, so the moment he says something bad… you automatically are justifying it. You can’t see clearly the fact that him saying that you are fat and that you need to work out and that you’re heavier than his mom is a horrendous thing for ANYONE to say, let alone your significant other!

I know you’re probably in a really stressful situation right now, given that you get your first house together soon… and by the time I’m doing this post, you probably already have the house… but I just want to let you know that in no situation are you ever stuck with someone. You can still end that relationship if it is not bringing you joy and not lifting you up, and I’m sure that this guy has other redeeming qualities that make him a lovely boyfriend in other ways… but this to me would just end things cold turkey. And, you know, there’s probably tons of happy couples out there that have had some horrible things said in the past, and now they’ve moved on… so I don’t want to tell you to stick with him or break up with him. I’m just telling you if this was me I would seriously reconsider the relationship based on this sentence, and I think you should do some thinking. I really hope you work it out and I’m sending so much love to you.

Oh, and also, your body is beautiful, and if nobody’s told you that recently I’m telling you now. Next letter! “Hi Lucie, my name is Anna and I’m from Minnesota but currently go to school in Iowa. I came by your Try Living with Lucie posts by chance this past Christmas and was hooked. I really enjoy watching your posts, especially the ones where you collaborate with your sister Allie. Hello to her as well.” I’ll tell her you said so. “You are so positive and inspire me to be the best and healthiest person I could be.

I’m 19 years old, and I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for a little over two months now. Given that you’ve been dating Michael since you were in high school, do you have any relationship advice to offer? It would also be helpful to know if you guys had any special tricks to stay close when you were away from each other.

Much love, and thanks for all you do.” Different people approach long-distance differently. I didn’t think long-distance was that difficult. I knew that I wanted to be with him. I knew we were gonna be apart for five years.

I just sort of put my head down, went to school, enjoyed my time, and knew that I wouldn’t be with him at the end. Michael on the other hand definitely felt it was a little bit more difficult than I did. He got a little bit emotional at times.

He definitely didn’t think the time flew by as quickly as I thought it did… so the number one thing I would say that long-distance took is communication. And by that I don’t mean talking every second or communicating all day… but I mean having an open line of communication about how frequently you feel you need to communicate with the other person in order to make this work. For us we knew we needed to talk at least every day, but every day the way we would talk was different. So some days were full hour-long phone conversations, some days were three hour-long Skype calls, some days were just a couple of texts sent back and forth, and other days we did this really fun thing where we would set up our computers on skype and we would fall asleep on skype and wake up with the other person right on the computer.

And we made sure to visit each other. For us it was very important that we saw each other, and thankfully we were from the same town and went to high school together… so during pretty much every break when people would go home to be with family, we’d get to see each other then, too. So, communicating as best as possible, seeing each other as often as possible, and the third tip I’m gonna give you is TRUST.

When you’re not with a person, that’s when all of those feelings start coming up of jealousy, or concern, or worry… I think trusting your partner is the number one way to make it through a long-distance relationship. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything. And that’s it for Letters to Lucie relationships episode! I hope the answers to these four letters were helpful and illuminating, and if you’re going through anything similar, I hope you’ve pulled some advice from them.

If you want to be featured in a future episode, email [email protected] and don’t forget to let me know if you want to remain anonymous or not. See you next time on Letters to Lucie! Love you, bye!

Hey YouTube, thanks for watching! Click here for another episode of Letters to Lucie and right here to subscribe to my YouTube channel. Bye!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *