THIS Is How to Touch a Girl On a First Date | Use Touch To Turn Her ON

THIS Is How to Touch a Girl On a First Date | Use Touch To Turn Her ON Dating

(music) Hey guys, Bobby Rio here with Jessica J. How you doing Jessica? Hi, good, thanks for having me. Yeah, glad to have you back. We’ve done a couple episodes, one of the ones we’ve done together, Jessica’s gone into her conversation stuff. She’s the author of a book called, Speak to Spark Arousal and she’s got some really great stuff on connecting and creating that chemistry in conversation.

And in the last one we tackled how to decipher where you stand with a girl, how to know if it’s time to move things forward. Which bring us to this one which is great in, sort of, this trilogy, is the physical part of it. Getting … Touching her, getting that physical escalation going.

And I wanted to get you on and hear from a girl’s perspective what’s smooth, what’s creepy? When’s too much? Just feel out the whole realm, ’cause I know that this is something I personally struggled with, knowing what to do, when to do it. A lot of my students also ask me that question all the time, how soon do I start touching?

Or where do I touch her? So I’d love to get you on and pick your brain a little bit. Right. I feel like, especially nowadays, men are so like, “I’m not allowed to touch, that’s sexual harassment, that’s sexual assault.” And what I have to say about that is, are you afraid to touch yourself? Not in that sense, you probably aren’t, I hope you aren’t, but are you afraid to touch your co-worker when they’re in the way?

Are you afraid to touch your Mom when you say hello to her? It’s a very … It’s ingrained in us to connect with one another physically. And we’re supposed to.

Granted, nowadays we talk via text instead of phone, we keep in touch with each other via social media. So, we’ve become so much far removed that it has had us questioning whether or not it’s okay. I’m telling you right now, it’s absolutely necessary if you’re going to have her feel anything for you. Yeah.

Yeah. I’m just thinking about the whole Joe Biden thing, it’s got people even thinking they can’t do anything right now. Yeah, you know that’s so funny you mentioned it, I was looking at these pictures and as a woman … I’m very touchy with everybody. If you’re a stranger, I’m going to hug you hello.

That’s just me, and I was looking at those pictures, I felt bad because that’s stuff that I’ve done to people. And because he’s a man in power, everybody’s like, “No, that’s creepy and sexual,” but it doesn’t have to be if you know that you’re coming from a good place. [crosstalk 00:02:34] Yeah, yeah, and I think one thing you said there is pretty crucial, and I think it’s something that guys should pay attention to is that, that’s how you are with everybody. You’re that way with your girlfriends …

And I think part of it is, you’re not naturally like that, like I was never naturally like that, is you want to not just be like, oh I’m with a girl I like, I have to touch her. You should be that way with other people so that when you do it, it’s more of your personality as opposed to like, why is this guy who’s all of a sudden touching me but not touching anybody else? Whereas if you were in a group and you grabbed some guy, and I’ve seen you, we’ve hung out where you’re like … And I don’t look at that going, oh Jessica wants that guy. Jessica’s trying to fuck that guy, yeah exactly.

Yeah, ’cause I know you. So I think that that could help stave off some of that insecurity guys might have if they start being that way to everybody rather than just the girl they want. And you know what, and on the flip side it’ll help you not take things the wrong way. ‘Cause I had a lot of guys think, oh my God she touched me she’s definitely flirting. When they can’t see that I’m like that with everybody.

So, if you think that it’s a sexual thing, you’re going to train yourself to think, oh this is bad I shouldn’t touch her because you only touch somebody when you’re sexual. And she hasn’t consented yet. So, getting comfortable with touching your friends, your co-workers. I’m not talking about, you don’t even have to hug your friends, hug your co-workers.

I’m talking about like, hey you want a cup of coffee? Pat them on the shoulder, I’m going to get something, do you want something? Something as simple as that, ’cause if you can’t get comfortable in your everyday life knowing this is okay, this is okay, it’s never going to feel okay to touch a woman that you eventually want to go home and touch naked.

Yeah. And a side note, I’ve been reading a book called, Laws of Human Nature by Robert Green and he started- [crosstalk 00:04:22] Yeah, it’s worth reading, definitely a lot of good stuff in it, but he’s doing a … He does profiles of different people and he was talking about politicians and different people and he says one of the things that a good politician does, and obviously Joe Biden took it too far I guess, is touch. Because even if you’re touching your guy friends, like you mentioned, people like … Have natural endorphins for being touched and the more you’re touching people, like you said not in a sexual way, even just a, hey want a cup of coffee pat on the back, it makes them naturally want to be around you.

They find themselves having an attachment to you in terms of friendship, in terms of good feelings around you. So there’s a lot of benefits for doing it rather than just for the sake of getting better touching women. Yeah. I mean, it is a literal form of connection. Again, like I said, we’re ingrained to do it, and I think one reason you can creep girls out is because a lot of times people don’t understand that you can convey, or you can communicate your energy and your emotions through your touch.

They’ve done studies where they’ve had people in certain emotional states and they’ll make them touch other people, and these other people, 75% of the time, were able to decipher what emotion the other person had. So if you go in and you’re like, oh I don’t really want to do this, but I know I have to do this. And you’re not sure, she’s going to be very unsure like, I don’t think I want this guy touching me. So whatever you feel about touching in that moment, when you go to touch her, she’s going to feel it too. So if you already feel comfortable because you’re like, “You know what, I’m the touchy guy, I touch my friends, my family, we’re all good.

This is what I do,” then she’s going to feel that too. She’ll be like, “Oh this feels good, this feels okay.” Now she’s able to feel the connection she’s meant to feel from you, other than all the other bullshit you told yourself about it. Definitely. So let’s turn it around, though, and let’s look at it from a more specific standpoint. So, you meet a guy off Tinder, whatever, you show up at the bar.

First date, right? You’re into him, you’re having a good conversation, he’s using a lot of the speak to spark arousal material, so things are going well. And, now what in your mind, is … Are you expecting.

From a girl’s standpoint. Does that make sense what I’m saying? I do. And I actually have an exact story of an exact scenario about this.

I did meet this guy on Tinder and he was a heart surgeon, he looked like a Calvin Klein model, he was in his 30’s so he’s still pretty young and really good looking. And I remember … And he’s really funny and we’re flirting via text it was great.

I was like, Jessica don’t fuck this up. You have one job, don’t fuck it up. So that was my inclination going into the date. Like, this guy’s a catch. I better do this right.

And from the second we met, from the first hug hello, I kind of already knew that this isn’t what I thought it was going to be. It was very … I don’t even know how to describe it. I have it on post too. It was a very …

There was no embrace, do you know what I mean? It was more like a … his arms were touching my body and then he let go. So, we sit down and [crosstalk 00:07:38] yeah, I mean yeah [inaudible 00:07:40].

I was ready to, let’s do this. But there was nothing in that, it wasn’t even a nice hug. Yeah, it was a platonic, like hugging your grandma.

Right. A grandma that’s not yours. That’s what it felt like, hugging a grandma that’s not yours. Why am I doing this?

I don’t know. So we sit down, but we go on to have probably the most intellectually stimulating conversation I’ve ever had in my life. To this day, I still remember feeling so enriched in this conversation.

He’s hilarious, we’re having a great time, and it didn’t even dawn on me that he didn’t touch me at all until three, four hours gone by. We’re at the bar that long, talking laughing, flirting. He hasn’t touched me once, and the only way I realize it is, we get in the Uber and we’re like, “Let’s get McDonald’s.” We’re drunk at this point, we get in the Uber and he goes to touch me across the back seat, like to tickle me, and I slapped him so fast I was like, ew don’t touch me. And that was my initial response. And I was even taken back by it, ’cause I was like, oh I thought we were having a good time.

Like, in my head I was like, I thought we were having a good time, but at that point, i felt like, this is my brother. We’re having a good time, we’re laughing, we’re having a great conversation, we can hang out all day. But because he hadn’t touched me in three, four hours we had been together, it was kind of like that door had closed already. So I felt very uncomfortable, him reaching across and trying to tickle me, no less. Which is uncomfortable for anybody.

I was very put off by that. That’s interesting, yeah. Yeah, I can remember years ago being on dates where I was …

I could even remember my first date ever, it was in 6th grade, I remember being at the movie theater with some girl and my friends are like, put your arm around her. And I’m like, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Oh I love it.

I love it. That actually followed me, years later. And, exactly what he went through, as a guy, you know there’s a window that passed, and once that window passed it’s like …

He probably felt creepy doing what he was doing, ’cause that window [crosstalk 00:09:53]. You know what, it’s funny you say that he probably felt creepy. That’s what I felt, I felt creeped out, he was on the exact opposite end of the car, you know what I mean? It’s not like we got in, he snuggled me close.

He’s on the exact opposite end, his long frikkin’ arm comes and stretches across, it felt creepy. And I could tell that he felt unsure doing it too, ’cause three, four hours go by you don’t touch me once since our first awkward hug hello? It’s the same thing as I was talking about earlier, you convey that same emotion. Like, should I be doing this?

No you shouldn’t. I don’t feel like you should. So, what would have been …

Alright, forget the awkward grandma hug he gave you in the beginning. Now you guys are hanging out, you’re 10 minutes into the date, 15 minutes, what would have been the progression that would’ve been natural? When it goes really well, a guy that it did … You just had that chemistry; physically and verbally stimulating conversation.

What was the physical aspect that was happening early on? Okay, something as simple as … Lead my the small of my back. When you’re asking what I want for drink, hell what do you want to drink? Like, hold my elbow.

When we laugh, hold my hand. I was very touchy with him, but I don’t remember being specifically touchy, I know that I just am. And if we’re sitting side by side, at a bar, I’m always touching you.

But that’s how I am. Touch her on the shoulder, when you both are laughing grab hands and laugh. Something like that. I always say to touch on a high point, ’cause what that does is it reinforces that, oh I feel this euphoria because of this person holding me right here.

It’s another way of activating those other sensors, aside from the ones she’s feeling emotionally is to hit her physically. Don’t hit her physically, but you know, to activate her physically. Physically, yeah. Simple things like that.

And we had more than enough moments for that, and he had more than enough opportunities to take those. So here’s a specific question, alright. And, I always recommend to guys, obviously we said, the example we gave; you met a guy in a bar, you’re sitting across from him.

What about, from a girl’s perspective, if you’re on a dinner date. For a first date. How does the guy, I get guys ask me this, I go, “Don’t do the dinner date,” but obviously …

I always say don’t do the dinner date for the first date. But obviously some guys they’re going to do it, and then they say, “Well it’s awkward.” What would you say? Is there any tips you can give guys if they do do the dinner date? To make it …

That maybe some guy’s done it to you, where you’re like, oh okay he found a way to still get that physical contact in over the course of the first hour and a half that you guys are sitting there. Without reaching over and … If you’re really connecting, you get the hand and it’s easy because it’s like, alright, you put your hand out … But that’s like, that’s a level where you both know it’s on, but if you’re not at that shore, is there ways to get that going? I mean, it’s hard.

Okay, so I’m picturing, right now I’m picturing most awful situation where you both are at like … The both of you show up, they put you at a table for four and it’s a square so you’re not going to sit right next to her. It’s kind of weird, you probably have to sit directly across from them, that’s probably the worst case scenario. So to eliminate that I would say, make sure you sit somewhere where you can sit next to each other.

Worse case scenario, sit at the two corners. If that’s not possible, you’re staring across from each other, you’re going to have to find a way to … One thing I say, talking with your hands is always an easier way to connect, if you can connect. How can I connect?

Like when we do stuff like this … You’re showing, you’re being … you’re demonstrating touch without being able to. That’s probably the easiest way you’re going to do it. So, I doubt she’d sit there like this the entire time, chances are, if you are able to get her on a date and you already will talk to her, she’s not going to stand like this. She might have her elbows on the table, she might have her hands on the table, touch as much as you can on those high points.

On those connecting points. You’re from Jersey, I’m from Jersey, me too. Touch each other.

It’s moments like that. So here’s a move that … I think you know him, [John Sin 00:14:02], he had told me, and I’ve told some of my students to do this, and some of them think, we’ll it’s going to be weird. I want to hear it from a girl’s point of view. You’re in that awkward …

Maybe you’re at a booth, right? And, you’re across from … Like a four-person booth. Now, after 10 minutes, what John would do, and this John’s way, he said he would get up to go to the bathroom and then when he came back, he would sit next to her and say, “I got to show you … Hey move over, I got to show you something.” Or, “Move over, I’m going to take a sip of your drink.” And, I thought that if the vibe is good enough it could work, but it really depends.

From your perspective, what would your reaction be if a guy did that kind of move? I was going to say exactly that. If the vibe is good enough, you have to. But if it’s not, it is going to be … This is a ploy.

But if you and I have been laughing, having a grand ol’ time, you leave and come back like, okay move over, I gotta show you something. That, I would hope you did something like that. So depends- Because I’m not going to do it. But, if you do find yourself in that situation, which happens plenty of times, nobody wants to be awkward. Be like, fun, let’s sit next to each other.

Nobody wants to say that. But if you have had a good enough date where you … you’re laughing, talking, flirting, you got to get up and do that at some point. Okay. So, let’s say the guy’s established now.

There’s some level of touching, maybe you’re not on the date … you’re not sitting across from each other, maybe that date … Now the date ended, you were talking with your hands enough that the illusion of touch was happening. Now you guys gotten up to have an after drink, what is the progression?

(music) Hey guys, Bobby Rio here with Jessica J. How you doing Jessica? Hi, good, thanks for having me. Yeah, glad to have you back. We’ve done a couple episodes, one of the ones we’ve done together, Jessica’s gone into her conversation stuff. She’s the author of a book called, Speak to Spark Arousal and she’s got some really great stuff on connecting and creating that chemistry in conversation.

And in the last one we tackled how to decipher where you stand with a girl, how to know if it’s time to move things forward. Which bring us to this one which is great in, sort of, this trilogy, is the physical part of it. Getting … Touching her, getting that physical escalation going.

And I wanted to get you on and hear from a girl’s perspective what’s smooth, what’s creepy? When’s too much? Just feel out the whole realm, ’cause I know that this is something I personally struggled with, knowing what to do, when to do it. A lot of my students also ask me that question all the time, how soon do I start touching?

Or where do I touch her? So I’d love to get you on and pick your brain a little bit. Right. I feel like, especially nowadays, men are so like, “I’m not allowed to touch, that’s sexual harassment, that’s sexual assault.” And what I have to say about that is, are you afraid to touch yourself? Not in that sense, you probably aren’t, I hope you aren’t, but are you afraid to touch your co-worker when they’re in the way?

Are you afraid to touch your Mom when you say hello to her? It’s a very … It’s ingrained in us to connect with one another physically. And we’re supposed to.

Granted, nowadays we talk via text instead of phone, we keep in touch with each other via social media. So, we’ve become so much far removed that it has had us questioning whether or not it’s okay. I’m telling you right now, it’s absolutely necessary if you’re going to have her feel anything for you. Yeah.

Yeah. I’m just thinking about the whole Joe Biden thing, it’s got people even thinking they can’t do anything right now. Yeah, you know that’s so funny you mentioned it, I was looking at these pictures and as a woman … I’m very touchy with everybody. If you’re a stranger, I’m going to hug you hello.

That’s just me, and I was looking at those pictures, I felt bad because that’s stuff that I’ve done to people. And because he’s a man in power, everybody’s like, “No, that’s creepy and sexual,” but it doesn’t have to be if you know that you’re coming from a good place. [crosstalk 00:02:34] Yeah, yeah, and I think one thing you said there is pretty crucial, and I think it’s something that guys should pay attention to is that, that’s how you are with everybody. You’re that way with your girlfriends …

And I think part of it is, you’re not naturally like that, like I was never naturally like that, is you want to not just be like, oh I’m with a girl I like, I have to touch her. You should be that way with other people so that when you do it, it’s more of your personality as opposed to like, why is this guy who’s all of a sudden touching me but not touching anybody else? Whereas if you were in a group and you grabbed some guy, and I’ve seen you, we’ve hung out where you’re like … And I don’t look at that going, oh Jessica wants that guy. Jessica’s trying to fuck that guy, yeah exactly.

Yeah, ’cause I know you. So I think that that could help stave off some of that insecurity guys might have if they start being that way to everybody rather than just the girl they want. And you know what, and on the flip side it’ll help you not take things the wrong way. ‘Cause I had a lot of guys think, oh my God she touched me she’s definitely flirting. When they can’t see that I’m like that with everybody.

So, if you think that it’s a sexual thing, you’re going to train yourself to think, oh this is bad I shouldn’t touch her because you only touch somebody when you’re sexual. And she hasn’t consented yet. So, getting comfortable with touching your friends, your co-workers. I’m not talking about, you don’t even have to hug your friends, hug your co-workers.

I’m talking about like, hey you want a cup of coffee? Pat them on the shoulder, I’m going to get something, do you want something? Something as simple as that, ’cause if you can’t get comfortable in your everyday life knowing this is okay, this is okay, it’s never going to feel okay to touch a woman that you eventually want to go home and touch naked.

Yeah. And a side note, I’ve been reading a book called, Laws of Human Nature by Robert Green and he started- [crosstalk 00:04:22] Yeah, it’s worth reading, definitely a lot of good stuff in it, but he’s doing a … He does profiles of different people and he was talking about politicians and different people and he says one of the things that a good politician does, and obviously Joe Biden took it too far I guess, is touch. Because even if you’re touching your guy friends, like you mentioned, people like … Have natural endorphins for being touched and the more you’re touching people, like you said not in a sexual way, even just a, hey want a cup of coffee pat on the back, it makes them naturally want to be around you.

They find themselves having an attachment to you in terms of friendship, in terms of good feelings around you. So there’s a lot of benefits for doing it rather than just for the sake of getting better touching women. Yeah. I mean, it is a literal form of connection. Again, like I said, we’re ingrained to do it, and I think one reason you can creep girls out is because a lot of times people don’t understand that you can convey, or you can communicate your energy and your emotions through your touch.

They’ve done studies where they’ve had people in certain emotional states and they’ll make them touch other people, and these other people, 75% of the time, were able to decipher what emotion the other person had. So if you go in and you’re like, oh I don’t really want to do this, but I know I have to do this. And you’re not sure, she’s going to be very unsure like, I don’t think I want this guy touching me. So whatever you feel about touching in that moment, when you go to touch her, she’s going to feel it too. So if you already feel comfortable because you’re like, “You know what, I’m the touchy guy, I touch my friends, my family, we’re all good.

This is what I do,” then she’s going to feel that too. She’ll be like, “Oh this feels good, this feels okay.” Now she’s able to feel the connection she’s meant to feel from you, other than all the other bullshit you told yourself about it. Definitely. So let’s turn it around, though, and let’s look at it from a more specific standpoint. So, you meet a guy off Tinder, whatever, you show up at the bar.

First date, right? You’re into him, you’re having a good conversation, he’s using a lot of the speak to spark arousal material, so things are going well. And, now what in your mind, is … Are you expecting.

From a girl’s standpoint. Does that make sense what I’m saying? I do. And I actually have an exact story of an exact scenario about this.

THIS Is How to Touch a Girl On a First Date | Use Touch To Turn Her ON Date

I did meet this guy on Tinder and he was a heart surgeon, he looked like a Calvin Klein model, he was in his 30’s so he’s still pretty young and really good looking. And I remember … And he’s really funny and we’re flirting via text it was great.

I was like, Jessica don’t fuck this up. You have one job, don’t fuck it up. So that was my inclination going into the date. Like, this guy’s a catch. I better do this right.

And from the second we met, from the first hug hello, I kind of already knew that this isn’t what I thought it was going to be. It was very … I don’t even know how to describe it. I have it on post too. It was a very …

There was no embrace, do you know what I mean? It was more like a … his arms were touching my body and then he let go. So, we sit down and [crosstalk 00:07:38] yeah, I mean yeah [inaudible 00:07:40].

I was ready to, let’s do this. But there was nothing in that, it wasn’t even a nice hug. Yeah, it was a platonic, like hugging your grandma.

Right. A grandma that’s not yours. That’s what it felt like, hugging a grandma that’s not yours. Why am I doing this?

I don’t know. So we sit down, but we go on to have probably the most intellectually stimulating conversation I’ve ever had in my life. To this day, I still remember feeling so enriched in this conversation.

He’s hilarious, we’re having a great time, and it didn’t even dawn on me that he didn’t touch me at all until three, four hours gone by. We’re at the bar that long, talking laughing, flirting. He hasn’t touched me once, and the only way I realize it is, we get in the Uber and we’re like, “Let’s get McDonald’s.” We’re drunk at this point, we get in the Uber and he goes to touch me across the back seat, like to tickle me, and I slapped him so fast I was like, ew don’t touch me. And that was my initial response. And I was even taken back by it, ’cause I was like, oh I thought we were having a good time.

Like, in my head I was like, I thought we were having a good time, but at that point, i felt like, this is my brother. We’re having a good time, we’re laughing, we’re having a great conversation, we can hang out all day. But because he hadn’t touched me in three, four hours we had been together, it was kind of like that door had closed already. So I felt very uncomfortable, him reaching across and trying to tickle me, no less. Which is uncomfortable for anybody.

I was very put off by that. That’s interesting, yeah. Yeah, I can remember years ago being on dates where I was …

I could even remember my first date ever, it was in 6th grade, I remember being at the movie theater with some girl and my friends are like, put your arm around her. And I’m like, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Oh I love it.

I love it. That actually followed me, years later. And, exactly what he went through, as a guy, you know there’s a window that passed, and once that window passed it’s like …

He probably felt creepy doing what he was doing, ’cause that window [crosstalk 00:09:53]. You know what, it’s funny you say that he probably felt creepy. That’s what I felt, I felt creeped out, he was on the exact opposite end of the car, you know what I mean? It’s not like we got in, he snuggled me close.

He’s on the exact opposite end, his long frikkin’ arm comes and stretches across, it felt creepy. And I could tell that he felt unsure doing it too, ’cause three, four hours go by you don’t touch me once since our first awkward hug hello? It’s the same thing as I was talking about earlier, you convey that same emotion. Like, should I be doing this?

No you shouldn’t. I don’t feel like you should. So, what would have been …

Alright, forget the awkward grandma hug he gave you in the beginning. Now you guys are hanging out, you’re 10 minutes into the date, 15 minutes, what would have been the progression that would’ve been natural? When it goes really well, a guy that it did … You just had that chemistry; physically and verbally stimulating conversation.

What was the physical aspect that was happening early on? Okay, something as simple as … Lead my the small of my back. When you’re asking what I want for drink, hell what do you want to drink? Like, hold my elbow.

When we laugh, hold my hand. I was very touchy with him, but I don’t remember being specifically touchy, I know that I just am. And if we’re sitting side by side, at a bar, I’m always touching you.

But that’s how I am. Touch her on the shoulder, when you both are laughing grab hands and laugh. Something like that. I always say to touch on a high point, ’cause what that does is it reinforces that, oh I feel this euphoria because of this person holding me right here.

It’s another way of activating those other sensors, aside from the ones she’s feeling emotionally is to hit her physically. Don’t hit her physically, but you know, to activate her physically. Physically, yeah. Simple things like that.

And we had more than enough moments for that, and he had more than enough opportunities to take those. So here’s a specific question, alright. And, I always recommend to guys, obviously we said, the example we gave; you met a guy in a bar, you’re sitting across from him.

What about, from a girl’s perspective, if you’re on a dinner date. For a first date. How does the guy, I get guys ask me this, I go, “Don’t do the dinner date,” but obviously …

I always say don’t do the dinner date for the first date. But obviously some guys they’re going to do it, and then they say, “Well it’s awkward.” What would you say? Is there any tips you can give guys if they do do the dinner date? To make it …

That maybe some guy’s done it to you, where you’re like, oh okay he found a way to still get that physical contact in over the course of the first hour and a half that you guys are sitting there. Without reaching over and … If you’re really connecting, you get the hand and it’s easy because it’s like, alright, you put your hand out … But that’s like, that’s a level where you both know it’s on, but if you’re not at that shore, is there ways to get that going? I mean, it’s hard.

Okay, so I’m picturing, right now I’m picturing most awful situation where you both are at like … The both of you show up, they put you at a table for four and it’s a square so you’re not going to sit right next to her. It’s kind of weird, you probably have to sit directly across from them, that’s probably the worst case scenario. So to eliminate that I would say, make sure you sit somewhere where you can sit next to each other.

Worse case scenario, sit at the two corners. If that’s not possible, you’re staring across from each other, you’re going to have to find a way to … One thing I say, talking with your hands is always an easier way to connect, if you can connect. How can I connect?

Like when we do stuff like this … You’re showing, you’re being … you’re demonstrating touch without being able to. That’s probably the easiest way you’re going to do it. So, I doubt she’d sit there like this the entire time, chances are, if you are able to get her on a date and you already will talk to her, she’s not going to stand like this. She might have her elbows on the table, she might have her hands on the table, touch as much as you can on those high points.

On those connecting points. You’re from Jersey, I’m from Jersey, me too. Touch each other.

It’s moments like that. So here’s a move that … I think you know him, [John Sin 00:14:02], he had told me, and I’ve told some of my students to do this, and some of them think, we’ll it’s going to be weird. I want to hear it from a girl’s point of view. You’re in that awkward …

Maybe you’re at a booth, right? And, you’re across from … Like a four-person booth. Now, after 10 minutes, what John would do, and this John’s way, he said he would get up to go to the bathroom and then when he came back, he would sit next to her and say, “I got to show you … Hey move over, I got to show you something.” Or, “Move over, I’m going to take a sip of your drink.” And, I thought that if the vibe is good enough it could work, but it really depends.

From your perspective, what would your reaction be if a guy did that kind of move? I was going to say exactly that. If the vibe is good enough, you have to. But if it’s not, it is going to be … This is a ploy.

But if you and I have been laughing, having a grand ol’ time, you leave and come back like, okay move over, I gotta show you something. That, I would hope you did something like that. So depends- Because I’m not going to do it. But, if you do find yourself in that situation, which happens plenty of times, nobody wants to be awkward. Be like, fun, let’s sit next to each other.

Nobody wants to say that. But if you have had a good enough date where you … you’re laughing, talking, flirting, you got to get up and do that at some point. Okay. So, let’s say the guy’s established now.

There’s some level of touching, maybe you’re not on the date … you’re not sitting across from each other, maybe that date … Now the date ended, you were talking with your hands enough that the illusion of touch was happening. Now you guys gotten up to have an after drink, what is the progression?

Is there a progression or it’s the same level? Do you expect the guy, as the date goes on, as the vibe is getting stronger, you’re feeling more of the chemistry, do you expect him to be more overt with his touching as opposed to previously when he might have been touching you quickly and then moving away. Is he now … Do you now want him …

Maybe, you gave the example of when you’re walking, he puts his hand behind you and it’s like a quick guide, but he’s not leaving his hand there. At what point do you want him to be a little bit more overt? Leave his hand there a little bit longer? You expecting that? Right.

I like that you mentioned that being more overt, if you go from zero to 60 it’s going to … We’re going to feel the fucking wind in our face and be overwhelmed. But what I like to tell guys is to do the touch and squeeze before you leave. ‘Cause you do kind of get accustomed to it, where … I’m talking to my friend.

But you don’t want friendly touches, you don’t her feeling like you’re doing friendly touches. You also don’t want her feeling like you’re doing the “fucking” touches, where, yeah we’re going to pound town later. So I’m talking about, when you guys touch and you’re laughing and you grab hands really quickly, squeeze her hands before you let go. ‘Cause this is a new touch, where she’s like, oh it’s a little deeper. You’re being more … Giving more pressure so it is activating new stuff in her brain, bel like, oh this is going a little further than it usually was.

Something like that. If you are leading her by the back, rub her back before you pull your hand away. Things that are a little more pressure, you’re putting more pressure on her. So to speak. But you’re not putting more sexual pressure on her, where you’re like holding her hand now.

A lot of my girlfriends get freaked out, like, “It was going great but then he was holding my hand and interlacing fingers and we’re not there yet.” So, we don’t want to go too fast, but we do want to let her know that you are taking things further. Yeah. What’s interesting, it’s interesting you mentioned hand because the hands really are a good gauge that I always would go for, you kind of lead …

You may do the quick hand thing, the high five quickness or whatever, like you’re saying. You’re leading her somewhere, but you always drop it [crosstalk 00:17:53]. The worse is like, you’re walking her through a crowd, it’s great to grab her hand, than earlier in the night you don’t want to, if it’s too soon you don’t want to hold it. But you could also gauge, as a guy, when you’re holding her hand, is she squeezing your hand back? Is she rubbing your hand, or is her hand limp like she’s uncomfortable?

Right, are you letting her hold her dead fish? Yeah, so it’s a great way as a guy to kind of gauge where you’re at, if you’re not sure. ‘Cause you can kind of tell, if she’s giving you any kind of rubbing back, it’s more likely that, okay you can keep going. But if she’s giving you the dead fish, then you probably …

You probably want to let that thing down the river. Yeah, yeah exactly. And, then, okay so, you’re getting a little bit more, you’re getting a little bit more touchy as the night goes on. What is the level that you are going to get to pre … We’re not talking, I’m not going to get into the foreplay back at your place, but the level for a guy, like how far is he going to take it in this environment that you would feel comfortable with to know, we are on our way back to the place.

Does that make sense what I’m saying? Right. To create the vibe, a seductive enough vibe where it becomes knowledge, like yeah, we’re not going to go to the parking lot and take separate cars home.

We’re going to go back together. What has to be there in terms of the physical connection for that to happen? I would say, one thing I like is teasing. Teasing is a really good way to …

I feel bad saying this, but it’s a really good way to be dominant in this seduction dance, or what have you. But I really like being able to tease and then hug her. Because, again, going back to the gaging how she feels, if she lets you hug her and you guys can laugh and hug … I will probably let this guy hug me naked. So if you get to the point where you can put your arm around her, or you can lead her through the crowd and she is holding yours back, I know if I hold a guy’s hand back, we’re probably going to pound down.

There’s certain things that, if you can gauge that she is not only letting you get away with these touches, but she’s also engaging and even, you know, taking them further herself, I would say that’s really your key moment to, okay we can go. Is it, you feel her not only matching it, but maybe she’s taking it a notch up too. Yeah, and what’s great about what you said with the teasing too, teasing gives you an excuse to touch her, but you can also use it as an excuse to … give like that push/pull, in a sense. Like you hug her, and then you say, “Get away from me, nerd,” or something like that. Now you’re not that creepy guy who stands there … [crosstalk 00:20:43] creepy guy hanging on to her.

Yeah, it allows you to keep moving- [crosstalk 00:20:47] Yeah. Great. Yeah, it keeps you moving forward, but not like so much that it’s weird.

Right. And also puts you in a position of, her having to chase you as well, in a sense. You’re not the one, you’re amazing, I want to touch you, I’m touching you again. Here I am touching you on the good points that Jessica and Bobby talked about.

No, you’re giving her a chance that, oh my God, I hate you, oh you’re okay. You know what I mean? To get her active in this role too. which we want. We really want to be able to chase you back.

Nice, nice. When it comes to touching, is there any other final pieces that we might have missed? Or, I guess the specific question and then I’ll open it up for the general question. You mentioned the guy, the heart surgeon, you kind of went, “Ew, don’t do that.” You mentioned the limp hand that a girl might give a guy.

What else do you do so a guy … We’ve talked about it in the previous post, the signs that she likes you and whatnot. So, what do you do in terms of …

How do you close yourself off? Is there anything that’s a common girl code for like, I’m not making myself available to be touched. What do you do when you’re like, this guy is trying to get to that next level physically and I’m shutting it down.

Is there anything that pops into your head that you find yourself doing? Or your girlfriends do? I mean, one thing you mentioned was, hands, being able to gauge with your hands.

They are the most sensitive parts of your body. So you notice she’s making the most sensitive parts of her body unavailable to you, that’s a very good way to gauge. I’ll hold my elbows, so in its way, I’m keeping myself from touching you, because I’m a touchy person I’ll hold my elbows to keep me from touching you … What she’s doing is, she’s creating a barrier so that you’re not able to.

Anytime she’s turned away from you, yeah. You should see her start to close up, this our most sensitive areas, if you see her put anything in front of you. And it’s funny, but the end of the night, I had that guy come and sleep over. I know, I’m the most misleading chick you will ever meet.

I forget who else said this too, I’m the most misleading chick you’ll ever meet. [inaudible 00:23:00] But yeah, he slept over after McDonald’s and me not letting him touch me. And he kept trying after that too, like, “Let me kiss you,” and I’m like, “No, don’t.” I kept saying, no don’t. And so he’s like, but you’re going to let me sleep with you? I was like, yeah you can’t drive home. And so, he got in bed and I took four king sized pillows and put them between us.

So any time there’s a barrier between you guys, whether it’s space … You know, she might move back a little bit. Or she might find ways to look behind her.

That’s her way of like, let me get out of this. Let me put something between us so that he can’t get to me. Definitely.

So, let’s wrap it with some conversation. I want to hear about, for the guys that don’t know, you have a post where you talk about something called the Override Effect, and a lot of that, I think, plays into what we’re talking about because to get to that point where you’re … I guess the way is, the easier the conversation’s flowing, the more connection she feels verbally to you, the easier that’s going to happen.

If you can’t talk, if you get on a date and you’re not able to have that vibe, it’s going to be really fucking hard, even if you’re super good looking, to just feel like, I can just touch her. Whereas the other hand, if the connection is there verbally and you just … The kind of stuff you teach is a lot about getting that connection fast. And if that connection’s really fast, then five minutes into the date you can start with the touches on the back and thighs. And next thing you know, 30 minutes later, you’re at that comfortable level and you’re not the guy in the cab with the creepy [crosstalk 00:24:38].

I hope he never watches these posts. But yeah, so basically the Override Effect is getting her to feel … We talked about being able to convey the emotion via touch.

And you do that with your words, you could do that via touch, could do that via your presence. What it does is it … Our logical emotion … Women are so, I hate saying this, but we’re, I don’t hate saying this, but we’re so much more able to experience our emotional selves way better than you guys.

So while you guys can sit and talk about sports all day, or shoes or where you go golfing, us ladies we talk about our relationships and things that make us happy, things that make us really angry, really sad. So if you’re sitting there and you’re able to convey that, hey lady, we’re going to fuck tonight and you’re going to love it, I’m not going to think, “Oh I have to go home and my friends are here and how am I going to get there?” No, it just goes out the fucking door ’cause now we need to have you. And once you’re able to activate that through this whole process of speaking the spark of arousal, that’s when all logical sense of rationale goes out the door and she’s like, I need this to happen for me right now. And her girlfriends are like, yeah we need this to happen for you too.

Any guy listening has probably experienced that, right? And I tell clients all the time that … They’ll be like, well she said she was tired and I’m like …

There’s no excuse a girl can give … I’ve been on both sides. I’ve had girls give me the ‘I’m tired’ and it was bullshit, they were just weren’t in, and then you have the girls that it’s like 3:00 in the morning and they have to be at work at 7:00 in the morning, and they’re still coming home. And they’re there. They are there.

It’s not a rational decision. And if she’s giving you a rational decision, like “Oh, I have work tomorrow, it’s going to be a busy day,” that means you haven’t triggered the other part of her brain that overrides that rational decision. So, I guess it’s a post and if you haven’t watched it yet, it’s at TSBMAG.com/Spark.

And I highly recommend it, as guys know I ask her to come on quite often ’cause I really respect her opinion and I really like what she teaches about … What’s great about what I think you’ll find in the post and even if you purchase her book, is that it’s … A lot of it’s based on connection so, it’s not awkward stuff. She’s not giving these weird pick up lines to use. She’s actually teaching you how to connect in a way, very fast, with a woman that creates all these other emotions without you having to verbally talk about …

It’s none of that. It’s just really strong, me and you are together, ‘we’re on the same team’ sort of connection that makes all this touching stuff that we talked about throughout this post really, really easy. So, TSBMAG.com, spark. There’s a link in this post, and you should really, really check it out.

Thanks for joining us, this was cool. Thank you. Awesome, thanks for having me. (music)

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